my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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