there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
