I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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