I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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