Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
