There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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