I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm sobbing to NWA
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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