youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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