I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
