You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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