he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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