I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
