I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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