I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Hello my rib-scented angel!
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
