I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
