I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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