I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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