I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
