Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize
