remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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