Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
