We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
