why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
