Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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