I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
