The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
