I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
