she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
