So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
