i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
