I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
