i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
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