The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
