You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
