I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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