I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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