The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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