We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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