Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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