I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Holy shit dude........stairs
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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