And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
