One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Randomize
