He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
