Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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