nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
