I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
