U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
