i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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