I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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