you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I will be naked everywhere
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
