I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
