Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
