i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
