I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
